The Art Scientist (2023)
This depression chapter was when I went mad as I reached my last straw so I tried creating artworks from my phone using mixed media as it was the only way available for me to make art...
Since my Wi'Am phase in 2021 and all the way up to December of the year 2022, I was a mental mess, alone, broke and broken, yet, I kept working hard on finding myself any opportunities, but when you keep failing for so long every day and night, you end up giving up hope and belief in yourself, especially when you have no support about you all the while you're still completely drenched in the heavy rain of anxiety and fear of the future and haunted by the many ghosts of traumas from the past.
Art is all about telling stories and sharing thoughts and feelings, and yet, I was not spared any opportunities and art judges kept pushing me away making me feel worthless and useless and my story not interesting or important... this includes re-entering university to try to start my healing journey but instead the art club left me evermore broken that I had to drop due to acute depression... brushing aside my painful and long tale that includes me surviving three years of homlessness all alone as a young immigrant just because I did 'way too many things' or 'look better off', not even thinking about my old Man'Si paintings that included 'Tsunami' , 'By My Side' , and 'Breakfast' and the recognition they deserve yet in that chapter.
In my Art Scientist era, I have lost motivation and purpose of making paintings because I was too poor to afford for materials, and because I had no digital drawing tablets, I solely relied on using my phone to make art, I just wanted to make art somehow... so I took and used pictures using my phone then edited them by mixing and fixing them into bizarre artworks, turning pain into beauty as always, depression to fun, and stretching my own 'Virtual Exhibition' here on my website just to make my dream true for somebody, anybody out there to see me and my story.
I thought that being so experimental then must be my curse even though it meant original, so I was deeply depressed for the continuous rejections and isolated myself for way too long because I was made to feel like I was just never good enough after surviving everything painful all alone with resilience and a non-dying smile... so when the title 'The Art Scientist' descended upon me like a holy book in my solemn cave of solitude one silent night, it made sense to me and I felt understood, I felt real, 'Finally, I have a face.' I told my fans online back then, that's how dark my thoughts were. A little more enthusiastic about life again, like I've finally found myself, I have ended up becoming mad... but I thought that I at least found myself and it made me feel happy; I was made to become the mad art scientist where people understood it or not because the universe does.
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Thanks to all the pain and disdain, I think that I found the perfect niche for me very excellently in this chapter of my life, being experimental, because even my experimental fashion brand SANDSTORM now made more sense. ' I am an experimentalist. Life is great as is!'
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I was still fighting to heal wounds with art but as I had no space in my nest (small apartment) and continued to be dismissed as if my mad story is not worth-while just because I do 'way too many things' and have no niche of my own because I needed help, I had no choice but to seek refuge into my phone the way I did to write my books when I was homeless, because I didn't have the necessary tools, programs or technology, so I managed with my phone nonetheless because I'm a stubborn, justice warrior butterfly; I have to survive and get what I deserve
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So here are what I called 'friendly beasts' where I turned all the negative emotions into positive like a magician, experimenting with every feature I could to create these adorable monsters by fixing and mixing anything possible from photography to paintings I already made, sketches, illustrations and drawings, or even pictures I took, to craft some comforting worlds on canvas... or screen.
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I fought my hardest in this chapter not to give up my love for people due to being dismissed as I struggled with trusting them because I happened to also be harassed when I went out for running... which made me evermore eager to choose the dread of loneliness instead by staying safe in my bubble to contain my sanity and simply be happy being Me with Me alone as I did my whole life because only Me been kind to Me, but because I always believed in goodness, I shall never turn into a hateful, angry person in the end like a weakling. Not to be a defeatist like a peasant was my mantra in life.
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‘Don’t impose yourself, Yokoshima, you're better than this,' I told myself. 'just do what you want and got do, and the rest that is out of your hand is for the universe to take care of, and getting angry won’t bend it into the shape or form you want things to be anyway, but that’s fine. The universe takes care of me and it provides for those who strive.' And it did.
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As I sought refuge with colouring simple sketches later as if I travelled back into my child form again to forget the harsh reality I was living, just before I was able to afford for a drawing tablet at last (the very same thing I sold before going homeless), with the sunlight healing my soul as I went out more frequently thanks to the summer season, I slowly found myself calming down, understanding little by little, my head was starting to clear, and I realized everything that was happening, all the 'wrong' that made others misjudge this art website of mine online that I had to make changes about... and so there I started my final battle to move on where I fought my best to stay sane and get out there, believing (from experience) that there are always other fish in the sea and things happen for the better cause, so it is okay to miss opportunities.
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Something else, new, something better was waiting for me.
A new life was waiting ahead; is what I liked to believed to soothen the painful doubts in my swollen heart.
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'The Art Scientist? Just another cute name of mine the universe just gifted me for comfort.' I wrote to myself back then. You can see or read about each artwork individually from the shop too under Printable Mix:
SHOP | 邪 YOKOSHIMA
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